Elise

I’m Sorry

I want to apologize to myself.

I’m sorry for doing this to you. I’ll take responsibility for making you feel this way.

I’m sorry I’ve tried to make you be something you’re not.

I’m sorry for doing things I know you’d feel shitty about.

I’m sorry you always feel so lonely.

I’m sorry you so easily slip into bodes of depression

into dissatisfaction

emptiness.

I’m sorry you’ve somehow been unable to cope with your loneliness.

I’m sorry you’ve come to so disparately thirst the company of others.

I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to go about your day alone

reading

writing

sipping your coffee

Not a single, social word spoken to another living being all day.

I’m sorry you’ll settle for the void company of others to not feel alone.

I’m sorry you’ve let others dictate the way you feel

about yourself

about your life

especially others of the opposite sex

you know better than that.

I’m sorry you’ve cared and become attached to people

The ideals of people

that don’t care much for you

have much regard for your feelings

keep in mind what is important to you

or even ask.

I’m sorry you’ve been intimate with these people

not sorry it happened

it was consensual

something you enjoyed

sharing.

I’m sorry the after wasn’t what you expected.

I’m sorry it never is.

I’m sorry you don’t feel like yourself.

I’m sorry you feel like a hypocrite

a betrayer

of everything you stand for

of the things you tell your friends.

I’m sorry you couldn’t just be your own friend.

I’m sorry you couldn’t find solace in the love of the friends

and family

you do have

and feel whole this way.

They love you wholly.

I’m sorry you sometimes imagine bad things happening to you

to gain the love

and concern

of those who don’t give this to you

who you don’t really know.

I’m sorry you’re sometimes naïve.

I’m sorry you always give people the benefit of the doubt

never really convinced they possess the ill intentions your friends warn you about.

I don’t know if this is good or bad

but I am sorry.

I’m sorry you cry about things

that you feel are stupid to cry about

during your workout

on the floor

driving home at night

begging yourself to stop

talking to yourself

through your sobs

because you can’t understand it

or why it’s taking this effect on you.

I’m sorry you think something is wrong with you.

I’m sorry you often feel you have it all together

you’re healed

recovered

above it

but then you have moments like these.

I think you should talk to someone.

I’m sorry you thought losing all the weight would fix everything.

I’m sorry it hasn’t.

I’m sorry you still feel so unworthy

undeserving

unwanted.

I know you know that you’re not.

I’m sorry people only reinforce those feelings for you.

I’m sorry you can’t be more aware of how wonderful your life is

how hard you’ve worked

the amazing things you’ve earned

the things you’ll do

how you’ve helped people.

I’m sorry you feel as if you’ve never really helped anyone.

I’m sorry you sometimes feel purposeless.

I’m sorry you have to sit and write an apology to yourself

you could run

revel in your autonomy

feel the push of your feet against the ground

coinciding with the wind

and the quick beating of your sad, happy heart.

I don’t want to be sorry

but I am.

Coming Back

I feel I am coming back to myself.

I am no longer willing to hide

What happened to me.

It will not be shoved

Under the rug

With the rest of the dust.

Yes, it is ugly.

Yes, it is dirty.

But I am not.

This is a part of me;

Like all the other parts of me,

It deserves light,

Speech,

Reclamation.

I can be the person

This terrible thing happened to,

And I can still be me.

One thought on “Elise

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