I want to apologize to myself.
I’m sorry for doing this to you. I’ll take responsibility for making you feel this way.
I’m sorry I’ve tried to make you be something you’re not.
I’m sorry for doing things I know you’d feel shitty about.
I’m sorry you always feel so lonely.
I’m sorry you so easily slip into bodes of depression
I’m sorry you’ve somehow been unable to cope with your loneliness.
I’m sorry you’ve come to so disparately thirst the company of others.
I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to go about your day alone
sipping your coffee
Not a single, social word spoken to another living being all day.
I’m sorry you’ll settle for the void company of others to not feel alone.
I’m sorry you’ve let others dictate the way you feel
about your life
especially others of the opposite sex
you know better than that.
I’m sorry you’ve cared and become attached to people
The ideals of people
that don’t care much for you
have much regard for your feelings
keep in mind what is important to you
or even ask.
I’m sorry you’ve been intimate with these people
not sorry it happened
it was consensual
something you enjoyed
I’m sorry the after wasn’t what you expected.
I’m sorry it never is.
I’m sorry you don’t feel like yourself.
I’m sorry you feel like a hypocrite
of everything you stand for
of the things you tell your friends.
I’m sorry you couldn’t just be your own friend.
I’m sorry you couldn’t find solace in the love of the friends
you do have
and feel whole this way.
They love you wholly.
I’m sorry you sometimes imagine bad things happening to you
to gain the love
of those who don’t give this to you
who you don’t really know.
I’m sorry you’re sometimes naïve.
I’m sorry you always give people the benefit of the doubt
never really convinced they possess the ill intentions your friends warn you about.
I don’t know if this is good or bad
but I am sorry.
I’m sorry you cry about things
that you feel are stupid to cry about
during your workout
on the floor
driving home at night
begging yourself to stop
talking to yourself
through your sobs
because you can’t understand it
or why it’s taking this effect on you.
I’m sorry you think something is wrong with you.
I’m sorry you often feel you have it all together
but then you have moments like these.
I think you should talk to someone.
I’m sorry you thought losing all the weight would fix everything.
I’m sorry it hasn’t.
I’m sorry you still feel so unworthy
I know you know that you’re not.
I’m sorry people only reinforce those feelings for you.
I’m sorry you can’t be more aware of how wonderful your life is
how hard you’ve worked
the amazing things you’ve earned
the things you’ll do
how you’ve helped people.
I’m sorry you feel as if you’ve never really helped anyone.
I’m sorry you sometimes feel purposeless.
I’m sorry you have to sit and write an apology to yourself
you could run
revel in your autonomy
feel the push of your feet against the ground
coinciding with the wind
and the quick beating of your sad, happy heart.
I don’t want to be sorry
but I am.
I feel I am coming back to myself.
I am no longer willing to hide
What happened to me.
It will not be shoved
Under the rug
With the rest of the dust.
Yes, it is ugly.
Yes, it is dirty.
But I am not.
This is a part of me;
Like all the other parts of me,
It deserves light,
I can be the person
This terrible thing happened to,
And I can still be me.