Sparrow Dena

Soft Monster

Women can be so soft.
When I told Ian
Don’t wish me happy birthday and
I do not want to talk to you again
I do not remember
You think he’d get the memo
Technically, he said “sorry”
But he didn’t mean it.
When I continued
To be friends with someone
Who disrespected my existence,
That was me being soft.Women can be so soft.
When I was given
A list of ten things about me
That I do not remember
Saying
And saying please stop asking my friends
Where I am
Please leave me alone
I never once wanted you to touch me
You are so disgusting and ugly,
That was me being soft.Women can be so soft.
For 3 years,
Subconsciously.
4 sorry excuses for humans,
Obnoxiously.
Everything was ok until I realized
You are a rapist.
You both are rapists.
You are all accessories to a crime.
And I could not be soft anymore

In fact, I became so rough,
I hurt those closest.
Before, I had a 50% success rate
Most my life.
50% love, 50% strife.
Half a family, half an enemy.
You can only hear stories
Of what you’ve done
Unconsciously having “fun”
THe cute one:
Supposedly, someone was trying to snap
me and you snapped her phone
And then I went running
up Colorado Blvd in my heels;
I was racing someone.
The ugly ones:
No one said rape, so why would I believe that?
“Fun”
“He cheats on her all the time”
“You looked like you were having fun”

When I asked you, “Who is this?”
Why didn’t you cry?
Now I cry all the time
My favorite is “Why did you have to get that drunk?”
My 50% success rate guarantees
2 out of the 4 times I black out
something horrific will happen to me
2 out of the 4 friends I pick out
will not protect me.
So I can guarantee you
I watch my drinking.

Now my success rate is 0.
Stop calling me brave,
I am not a hero.
My cup runneth over,
And I played out my traumas
On everyone and their mother.
I am a monster.
I traumatized others.

I must now be soft.
I have lost what energy I had anyway
No more terrorizing to get my way
I have been broken
I have broke you
I am now too tired
To use my teeth
I do not want to teach anyone
Anything else
My teeth are dull;
There for show
Weeping and white
My default is fight
But look where that got me

The strongest fall the hardest
And I cannot be strong anymore
I do not want to inspire
Do not ask me to help you
When I needed a support beam
You crumbled under me
This poem was addressed to one person
Now I speak to the world
You: my friends
You: my family
You will all be the death of me!
I have gone through too much
To be treated like so little

I am a force
A blinding light
Even if I water myself down
You will have to shield your eyes
I won’t lie
I won’t hide.
Do not be jealous
Of my ability to be free;
It is not easy
Especially when no one will accept me
Stop talking AT ME
Start doing SOMETHING
Your words are nothing
If you are sitting
Start standing
Up and up and up
You could rise to the ceiling
Be more than enough
I will always say that you are
You can conquer
A bite does not entail murder
Fur can be and will bristle
Soft monster.

 

 

By Sparrow Dena

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